When I was a kid a big treat was to get a Ten-Penny Lucky Bag. The Lucky Bag contained some sweets and a little toy - the kind of thing you might get from a Christmas Cracker. But the best part of the Lucky Bag was the mystery - you never knew what you were going to get. (Someone once said something similar about a box of chocolates, didn't they? :0) ) And that's what this page is about - I haven't dedicated it to any topic in particular because I intend to chuck in here anything that tickles my fancy at the moment. Enjoy!
"Anto and Micko are walking home after a night on the piss. They've got no
money to get a taxi and are staggering all over the place when they find
themselves outside the bus depot. Anto has a brainwave and says to Micko
"Get in there and steal a bus so we can drive home and I'll stay out here
and look out for the police". Micko duly breaks into the garage and is gone for twenty minutes while Anto is wondering what the hell he's doing. Eventually Anto sticks his head
around the door and sees Micko running from bus to bus and looking very
worried. "What the bleedin' hell are you doing Micko, get a move on!" to which Micko
replies "I can't find a number 7 anywhere Anto" whereupon Anto, holding his
hands to his head in disbelief, shouts "You f**king idiot Micko, steal a
number 9 and we'll get off at the roundabout and walk the rest of the
way!"."
"Urban Legends -- I think they're all here....
I was on my way to the post office to pick up my case of free
M&M's,(sent to me because I forwarded their e-mail to five other
people, celebrating the fact that the year 2000 is "MM" in Roman numerals),
when I ran into a friend whose neighbor, a young man, was home recovering from having
been served a rat in his bucket of Kentucky Fried Chicken - which is
predictable, since as everyone knows, there's no actual chicken in Kentucky Fried
Chicken, which is why the government made them change their name to
KFC. Anyway, one day this guy went to sleep and when he awoke he was in his bathtub
and it was full of ice and he was sore all over and when he got out of the
tub he realized that HIS KIDNEYS HAD BEEN STOLEN. He saw a note on his mirror that said "Call 911!" but he was afraid to use his phone because it was connected to his computer, and there was a virus on his computer that would destroy his hard drive if he opened e-mail entitled "Join the crew!" He knew it wasn't a hoax because he himself was a computer programmer who was working on software to prevent a global disaster in which all the
computers get together and distribute the $250.00 Neiman-Marcus cookie recipe under the leadership of Bill Gates. (It's true - I read it all last week in a mass e-mail from BILL GATES HIMSELF, who was also promising me a free Disney World vacation and $5,000 if I would forward the e-mail to everyone I know.)The poor man then tried to call 911 from a pay phone to report his missing kidneys, but a voice on the line first asked him to press #90, which
unwittingly gave the bandit full access to the phone line at the guy's expense. Then reaching into the coin-return slot he got jabbed with an HIV-infected needle around which as wrapped around a note that said, "Welcome to the world of AIDS." Luckily he was only a few blocks from the hospital - the one where that little boy who is dying of cancer is, the one whose last wish is for everyone in the world to send him an e-mail and the American Cancer Society has agreed to pay him a nickel for every e-mail he receives. I sent him two e-mails and one of them was a bunch of x's and o's in the shape of an angel (if you get it and forward it to more than 10 people, you will have good luck but for 10 people you will only
have OK luck and if you send it to fewer than 10 people you will have BAD LUCK FOR SEVEN YEARS). So anyway the poor guy tried to drive himself to the hospital, but on the way he noticed another car driving without its lights on. To be helpful, he flashed his lights at him and was promptly shot as part of a gang initiation. Send THIS to all the friends who send you their junk mail and you will receive 4 green m&ms, but if you don't the owner of Proctor and Gamble will report you to his Satanist friends and you will have more bad luck:
you will get cancer from the Sodium Laureth Sulfate in your shampoo, your wife will develop breast cancer from using the antiperspirant which clogs the pores under your arms, and the government will put a tax on your e-mails forever. I know this is all true 'cause I read it on the Internet.."
Two engineering students were walking across campus when one said, "Where did
you get such a great bike?"
The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday minding my
own business when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike. She threw the bike
to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want."
"The second engineer nodded approvingly, 'Good choice; the clothes probably
wouldn't have fit."
A pastor, a doctor and an engineer were waiting one morning for a
particularly slow group of golfers. The engineer fumed, "What's with these
guys? We must have been waiting for 15 minutes!" The doctor chimed in, "I
don't know, but I've never seen such ineptitude!
"The pastor said, "Hey, here comes the greenskeeper. Let's have a word
with him."
[dramatic pause]
"Hi George. Say, what's with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow,
aren't they?"
The greenskeeper replied, "Oh, yes, that's a group of blind firefighters.
They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always
let them play for free anytime."
The group was silent for a moment.
The pastor said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for
them tonight."
The doctor said, "Good idea. And I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist
buddy and see if there's anything he can do for them."
The engineer said, "Why can't these guys play at night?"
There was an engineer who had an exceptional gift for fixing all things
mechanical. After serving his company loyally for over 30 years, he happily
retired. Several years later the company contacted him regarding a seemingly
impossible problem they were having with one of their multimillion dollar
machines.
They had tried everything and everyone else to get the machine to work but to
no avail. In desperation, they called on the retired engineer who had solved
so many of their problems in the past.
The engineer reluctantly took the challenge. He spent a day studying the
huge machine. At the end of the day, he marked a small "x" in chalk on a
particular component of the machine and stated, "This is where your
problem is."
The part was replaced and the machine worked perfectly again.
The company received a bill for $50,000 from the engineer for his service.
They demanded an itemized accounting of his charges.
The engineer responded briefly: One chalk mark $1.
Knowing where to put it $49,999.
It was paid in full and the engineer retired again in peace.
